JOURNAL ENTRY: Monday 25 May 2015

I have decided to also use this blog for my own personal journal. I hope that in doing so I am able to be open and honest about what is going on in my life and hopefully prevent my addictions from continuing to control me.

If this process helps me then it is a good thing. If it can help anyone else in the process then that is also a good thing.

I don’t need to save the world, I just need to be the change that I want to see in the world.

I also need to remember what Einstein said about insanity, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. As an addict I’m always sure that my behaviours won’t lead me to the same place and every time I’m proved wrong. It makes me question my sanity.

I’ve just got back from my Monday SAA meeting and feel the need to write.

Last week I was feeling really good and I was putting myself out there again, trying to help people and offer whatever kind of support I could. I didn’t actually do that much but because I didn’t eat very well on Friday and drank a lot of coffee I found myself feeling really tired when I work up on Saturday. I’ve continued to feel tired throughout Sunday and today. Thankfully I’m not suffering from a hangover, so I can relax and just trust the fact that the medication I’m on is doing what it needs to do.

I also need to remind myself that I am getting better and that recovery is just one day at a time. There will be good days and bad days, but if I can enjoy them all sober then I’m winning!

I don’t feel low, I just feel tired and as someone said to me today, feeling tired isn’t actually an emotion, it’s a physical state of being and we all get tired. I’m not going to beat myself up about feeling tired but I am going to recognise the signs and take extra care of myself over the next couple of days, until I get my energy back.

Because of my decision to not drink any more I have made a short term deal with myself. If I have a craving to eat something I will give into that craving, as long as I don’t drink and I don’t act out. In effect I have let food become my addiction in the short term, until I am more able to control my addictions. I know this isn’t necessarily the best way to cope, as it may lead to me putting on weight, but I have been consuming a huge amount of dead calories through alcohol, so as long as I don’t stuff myself everyday I should be OK.

This is probably why I’ve been feeling tired, because rather than turn to fruit, vegetables and water I have been eating sugary foods and drinking a lot of coffee. This has messed my blood sugar levels up and dehydrated me, something that can have quite dramatic affects on my energy levels, my motivation levels and my mood.

Over the next few days I shall:

  • Make a conscious effort to drink plenty of water so that I am properly hydrated
  • Eat more fruit and vegetables
  • Limit myself to 1-2 cups of real coffee a day
  • Take some gentle exercise

I also need to pick up my mindfulness activities again and start doing my daily Headspace routine.

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