Technically this is post number 4 but following on from my previous post, The End: The last time I acted out, I decided to document what lead to me breaking my, almost 2 weeks, of sobriety.
Last Friday I was feeling rather positive and pleased with myself. I now put this down to the fact that I hadn’t had a drink for just about 2 weeks. Rather than go to my regular AA meeting and build on my positivity I decided to go to the shop and buy a couple of beers to celebrate. This was a mistake.
I didn’t particular enjoy the beverages but drank them down none the less. That’s all I had to drink that night. I wouldn’t put myself down as a classic alcoholic, but I had opened up the possibility that I was allowing myself to drink again.
The following night I was offered a couple of beers. At first I said no, but within a couple of minutes I had accepted the offer. By 21:30 I had finished the beers and had convinced myself that I needed more. I took myself down to the shop and got myself a small bottle of vodka. I sat in my room, on my own, feeling really good. I was having my own little party and I was loving it. I finished the bottle.
Sunday I felt a bit crappy. I spent most of the day feeling lost and not really knowing what to do with myself.
Monday came and I had to go into the office to finish sorting out a few things. I finish at about 16:00 and decide to relive an old habit of having a couple of pints after work. I must admit I was feeling a little emotional, as I’m currently in the process of winding down my business. The people that I have known and worked with for several years have moved on. I’m still in touch with them, but not as frequently. I think I wanted to recreate the happy drinking times that I used to have with them, so I went to the pub and had a couple of pints.
In AA they say it’s the first drink that does the damage. This is absolutely true. After those couple of beers I was no longer able to make sound judgement calls. I took myself off to the shop and got myself some snack food, a large bottle of orange juice and a large bottle of vodka.
I didn’t want to drink but something was overriding my better judgement. I proceeded to drink all but the last inch of the vodka.
On Tuesday I felt awful and this lead to me acting out.
On Wednesday I went to SAA and spoke about my drinking and how it affects my mood and behaviour. I came away feeling better about myself. However, in some strange continuation of my behaviour I decided to finish the remainder of the vodka.
This was the last time I had alcohol.
Lesson learnt: I need to be as aware of how my positive moods can also cause me to enter a cycle of behaviour that is as destructive as my low moods.
I also learnt that for the time being I cannot trust myself to do what is in my own best interest. I need to apply the rules of sobriety to my life in all situations and circumstances. One drink is not going to kill me but one drink will lower my guard and that can lead to me drinking more than is good for me and that can lead to a cycle of behaviour that is difficult for me to break.
I now know that if I have one drink I cannot be certain of the outcome and that actually really scares me.
Today I have made the decision to not drink again.