Technically this is my third post but I’m posting it at the beginning of the blog timeline because I feel like I need to record the last time I acted out and my reasons for doing so.
In hindsight I should have done this at the time but I hadn’t had the idea of this blog then.
I recognise that in order to overcome my addictions I need to be completely honest with myself. All the advice that comes from people with successful recoveries point to the fact that the more honest you are with yourself, the more powerful your recovery will be.
To that end I need to be able to look back and remind myself of how I was feeling, what that lead me to do and how those actions made me feel.
Without wanting to sound like I’m making excuses, I am. I had quite a lot to drink last night and I’ll reflect on why that happened in the next post. I didn’t really need to act out but I was feeling pretty disappointed with myself for getting so drunk and so thought what the hell, I’d already pressed the ‘Fuck It’ button four fifths of the way down, so I might as well go the whole way and complete my circle of shite.
Because of last nights alcohol I was feeling really bad today. I had let myself down by getting drunk. Mentally I was feeling really low. I had mild to medium paranoia and anxiety and was very quickly thrown back into a mental state that felt like depression. I’m currently on 60mg of Fluoxetine a day for depression and obsessive compulsive behaviour, primarily for obsession over pornography and a compulsion to masturbate, so I’m more than familiar with depression.
I’ve become more and more aware over the last couple of months of how acting out severely affect my self esteem, so I’ve been on a journey to gain greater understanding of what compels me to act out.
In today’s case it was pretty much all alcohol related. The hangover put me in a familiar place of feeling crappy and at the same time lowered my moral standards so I was less able to control the thoughts and urges I was feeling.
Throughout the course of the day I only watched about 30 minutes of internet video pornography and masturbated four times, but it was enough to make me feel ashamed of myself and reduce my self esteem back to a low point.
Today’s lesson: A door left open is easier to walk through than a door left closed and yes, alcohol leads me to acting out. As much as I thought acting out was the cause of my alcohol problem I also have to admit that feeling low and hungover leads me to want to feel better and that acting out seems to be an option in that state of mind. It isn’t and it doesn’t help and if I’m not careful it becomes the first action in a long line of continuing downward spirals.
Drinking too much leads to acting out, which can lead to more drinking to hide from the shame, which can lead to more acting out which can lead to more drinking and so on and so on.
Today I have made the decision to not act out again.